Aware

05Jun09

I don’t know how to say what I want to say.
All I know is that this inherent sadness has been weighing on me heavily.
I’ve sat here many times staring at this screen, typing words that fall short of conveying my thoughts, then watch the cursor blink and blink and…..delete what I’ve just typed.
I think of when I had it all together. whatever it is.
And I think of when I had passion; like when I first read the words:

“what i am sure of is what my heart is for. the only clarity i find is my drive to move for people. for dirty ditches and reaching hands and shelter in the storms. for setting broken hearts and loving scarred up arms. for building and restoring and tearing down and starting over.

and so that is what i will do. i will move. with or without you. i will walk on and forge this path and let go. open my hand, so sweaty, clenched tight to my chest, and give it back to the one who gave it to me in the first place and trust. (what a heavy word!) in plans for my future, for hope, for a love that will stay.”

And I weep.
Because I used to believe.
I used to accept Truth.

I don’t know how I got lost in this mess of myself.
When did I become so selfish?
And why do I like it so much?
And why am I ok with it?

Now I realize that those scarred up arms and that broken heart belong to me.
And it hurts.
It hurts.

What the hell went wrong?

I used to be sure.
I used to be sure.
I used to be sure.
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i used to be sure.

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