it is (not) well with my soul
Frederick Buechner wrote, “Even the saddest things can become, once we have made peace with them, a source of wisdom and strength for the journey that still lies ahead.”
During the last 5 years, the deepest truth i’ve learned is the idea of life – spiritual and physical – as a journey. i believe that Beuchner is right when he says the most heart-wrenching things can serve as wisdom and strength for the ever progressing journey.
But over the course of the last 8 months, i’ve also learned that sometimes there is such a sadness that cannot be made peace with.
…But there is still a journey that rages on.
And you and i? We must still participate in life – even if we cannot find the means to make peace with our sadness.
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Aware
I don’t know how to say what I want to say.
All I know is that this inherent sadness has been weighing on me heavily.
I’ve sat here many times staring at this screen, typing words that fall short of conveying my thoughts, then watch the cursor blink and blink and…..delete what I’ve just typed.
I think of when I had it all together. whatever it is.
And I think of when I had passion; like when I first read the words:
“what i am sure of is what my heart is for. the only clarity i find is my drive to move for people. for dirty ditches and reaching hands and shelter in the storms. for setting broken hearts and loving scarred up arms. for building and restoring and tearing down and starting over.
and so that is what i will do. i will move. with or without you. i will walk on and forge this path and let go. open my hand, so sweaty, clenched tight to my chest, and give it back to the one who gave it to me in the first place and trust. (what a heavy word!) in plans for my future, for hope, for a love that will stay.”
And I weep.
Because I used to believe.
I used to accept Truth.
I don’t know how I got lost in this mess of myself.
When did I become so selfish?
And why do I like it so much?
And why am I ok with it?
Now I realize that those scarred up arms and that broken heart belong to me.
And it hurts.
It hurts.
What the hell went wrong?
I used to be sure.
I used to be sure.
I used to be sure.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
i used to be sure.
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“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell.”
-C.S. Lewis
i;m graduating from college in two days…what should be one of the happiest times in my life is completely clouded with heartbreak.
…the word ‘heartbreak’ doesn’t even seem to do this emotion justice.
i’ve cried more this week then i’ve probably ever cried in my life.
sometimes life just really beats the shit out of you. i just wish that this wasn’t happening all at once.
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Home PDX
Xolani has been hanging with Home PDX for a few weeks now. She invited them all over to our house tonight for some drinks and to just chill.
I’m sitting in my room right now about to go to bed. (i’m not being an antisocial jerk…i just have to be up for work in about 5 hours, and i need my beauty sleep) :)
there are people everywhere. our house is full. i can hear the conversation being had with good friends. i can smell the cigarette smoke. i can hear the clank of empty beer bottles.
half of these people don’t have a home. the other half are just young twentysomethings wrestling with what it means to follow Jesus.
there is a dude outside my bedroom window smoking a joint. :)
every few minutes i hear, “fuck”….”shit”…”goddamn it”
…and i smile.
i feel at home.
these people love Jesus.
but they aren’t the typical conservative Christians.
for years i’ve struggled with Christianity. to be honest, i hate what Christianity has turned into. i struggle with identifying myself as “christian”.
i struggle with the idea of church (as an institution, not as a people).
i haven’t been to church in about 2 years. i fee like i’ve lost hope in the church. i guess you could say i’ve given up. and i know that i’m coping out.
i’m just frustrated.
i’m frustrated with how church is presented to people. how big and flashy and attractional and idol focused and money driven it’s become.
i’m frustrated with how the church treats people. unequally, unfairly, unjustly.
(i realize this is a broad over generalization)
all that to say, there are no words to describe the way i feel when i hear these people from Home PDX talking to each other about topics that the typical christian would be too afraid to touch. ….and then there’s the f-bomb again. i just smile.
these people aren’t accepted by most churches in america. but they are just as worthy as anyone to receive the love Jesus offers.
these people smoke and drink and gather to hang out with each other on sundays at pubs – not with the intention of holding a church service in the pub trying to convert someone. they meet in the pub to simply drink and hang out with each other. to build relationships and love one another.
Home PDX is a relational community that loves Jesus and other people.
Home PDX seems like a breath of fresh air.
maybe i haven’t lost complete hope in the church??
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Dear Spencer Drew,
That was an epic performance. (And i’m pretty sure that you’ve won Laura’s heart with your song)
: )
fun fact: at 39 seconds you can hear me chuckling at Spencer like a boob.
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in portland, even the sun rains
